My Life Is A Hot Mess.

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM.. I've lost my meaning of life. I'm walking around without purpose and it's making me numb and lifeless. I just don't know what to do. When my best friend went away I just broke down. She is literally the only person I am myself around. I'm not even myself when I'm with my family. I lose a part of myself every time she goes back. Now losing my passion for acting is making me miserable. Every time I think about it I just break down. I had such a passion for acting, I knew it was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. It was who I was. Now, I don't know where that passion went. I'm honestly so lost. I'm doing a uni course just to fill the time and I have to decide what I want to do next year. I will end up doing the BA I know I will. I will hate it. I don't want to do it I have no other options. I was the person who said that if you are not happy with what you are doing, change it. Now I don't know what else I would do. I wish I had a different life. I think I'm getting depression again and I'm scared. I can't tell anyone because my mum will think I am over exaggerating and my friends wont understand. The one person who will doesn't live near me anymore. I'd do anything to hug her right now. I need someone to tell me things will be ok and help me figure it out. Cause I don't know where to start. But I know if they tell me that I wont believe them. This keeps me up at night. There is a song on my iTunes and every time it plays I break down. It is so relevant in my life. Fix You by Coldplay. I just wish someone would try to fix me. Cause I don't know how to. I miss who I used to be. I miss knowing where I wanted my life to go. It scares me that I have no idea what I want to do, I don't know where I want my life to head and I don't know what my passion is. I miss having a passion for something. 

I miss my best friend. And now another one of my really close friends is moving. I'll miss her so much. I want her to be happy and I know that she will be happiest where she is moving. It's hard to let someone go when you know you will never see them again. This is the only thing that keeps me sane when my best friend moved. I will see her in holidays. I freaked out when she said she has 5 more years to go. Anything can happen in 5 years. I am so SO terrified of losing her. If I drifted from her or lost her I don't know what I would do.

My friend that is moving shortly, I know she is going to be happy, I will miss her terribly. I hope and pray to God that we will stay friends. I know it is almost impossible to stay in contact with someone you will never see and that scares me so much. I don't want her to even be a stranger.